Date a scientist. Date a boy who spends his time scribbling calculations in a notebook instead of playing videogames. He was bullied when he was a kid because he did not want to play soccer. Date a guy who dreamed of science since he was twelve.
Find a scientist. He will be the one scanning frantically for new grants in the government bulletins. See that weird skinny guy at the cafetteria sitting on his own and reading a book on quantum physics while everybody else is with their friends? It’s that guy.
He will have his hamburger uneaten, and he will be taking nervous sips from his black coffee, the third of the day. Without asking him, sit down and ask him about Schrödinger’s cat. He will give you a glare, because most of scientists don’t want to be bothered with inane questions. Ignore it and buy him a coffee.
Give him your opinions on The Big Bang Theory. Understand that, if he says he understands Fermat’s theorem, he is a lying fuck. Ask him if he loves Paul Erdõs or if he would like to be Paul Erdõs. Understand that he will always search for the truth, and that he will always be committed to make the world make sense, to find patterns to allow him to predict every single movement of the atoms. It will never be your fault if he does.
Dating a scientist is easy. Keep him fed and buy him nerdy T-shirts for all occasions: birthday, christmas, wedding, whatever. Nothing else: no trips, books, movies or anything, just pieces of fabric with something witty.
Lie to him. If he’s a true scientist, he will be delighted to be lied to. Behind a lie there is a grain of truth he will try eagerly to discover, to see it unfold. See him enjoying the puzzle, peeling away layers of nonsense until he reaches the conclussion.
Ignore him. Disappear for months at a time. Scientists are used to think beyond human scales, and he understands that a few months mean nothing in geological time, and even less in the solemn and ethereal dance of the stars.
Dump him. Tell him he is not good enough and don’t ever apologise. Scientists are always discarding their old theories when they don’t work anymore, so he will understand. Them take him back.
If you find a scientist, keep him close. Give him coffeine and carbs when he cannot go on, and take him out when he has being working for too long. He’ll talk as if you would remotely understand the equations he’s mumbling, but have patience, because for him is the way to understand them himself.
You will propose on a seminar, or after he has published an article. You will give him a ring with your DNA code engraved, or the symbol or Dr. Manhattan. You will quote Carl Sagan in the ceremony, or even Richard Dawkins. You will see him talking to your children, introducing them to their first telescope. He will teach them to grow crystals and tiny lentils in your balcony. You will walk the winters of your old age together, and he will tell you about the refraction index of freshly fallen snowflakes.
Date a scientist because you deserve it. Date a guy who studies the universe so you will be able to know the universe through him. But if you only give him monotony and predictability, if you spend your days looking for answers in the Tarot deck, you will be better off alone.
A response to this horror, by Frau Krankel